All's Quiet on the Infertile Front

No big news right now. Still on birth control. Just a couple more weeks left... I still haven't got my schedule for injections, but I do know I'm on the "antagonist" protocol. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I know what meds I will (and will not) be taking. My sister's friend has VERY generously donated some leftover meds from her last IVF cycle (which was a success!) and I also had some meds leftover from our last couple injection rounds...SO...I actually only have to spend about $400 more on meds for our cycle!!!! Our insurance doesn't cover any meds if we go through any infertility procedure. The out-of-pocket cost of the meds I'll be using is probably around $3,000-4,000! But again, thanks to generous donations and leftover meds, I have a very minimal amount I have to pay!

I'm getting a little nervous about the whole process. It's kind of hitting me that if this IVF cycle works, then this time next year, our life will be completely different. It's kind of exciting and kind of scary! I'm also getting a little nervous about the whole process of IVF. I know the meds make you feel pretty bloated and sore and the egg retrieval process is pretty much an outpatient surgical procedure. That's a little scary in and of itself, but then factoring in the chance that even going through all this, the whole process might not even succeed... It's a little stressful... Not sure what we'll do if it doesn't work... BUT, I gotta think "happy thoughts" and stay positive. So that was my moment of worry, now on to positivity!

I'll update again when things get a little more exciting!

In everyday news, I have a new primary class next year. This past year I was teaching the 9 turning 10 year olds. I had a very fun class of all girls! This new year, I get to be with the sunbeams! I LOVE teaching the junior primary classes. Though I really did enjoy teaching more of the scripture related lessons. So, here's to a new year (and hopefully, some little kid vibes can come my way)!!

Moving On...

It's been a rough last few weeks. My dad passed a ay early Saturday morning, November 12th. It was only about a month and a half after his diagnosis of ALS. I went over to my mom's on Wednesday. She wanted me to sit with dad on Thursday while she sewed my niece's blessing outfit. We watched the presidential debates that night together, and luckily I took a couple pictures of him and I (probably the last one's of him alive). Unfortunately, the next morning was the beginning of the end. I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to spend those last couple days with him. There were many special moments I had with him in his last few weeks. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful father as an example. I know he has begun his new mission. And, I'm sure he's pulling whatever strings he can to help us in our journey to start a family.

Speaking of...we're beginning the early steps leading up to in vitro fertilization. First step, start birth control (Ironic no?). It's to "quiet down" the system. Reset it. Then on Monday, I have a saline infusion. They just insert some saline into my uterus, check for polyps or other abnormalities in the lining, and then do a "mock" transfer. After that, I wait to find out my "schedule" for injections, doctor appointments, and egg retrieval/transfer information. It's funny how trying to start a new life can help get you through the loss of another.

In memory of my dad...

Love :)

Have I bragged on my AMAZING husband lately?? I didn't think so. I definitely don't give him enough credit!

I made the mistake of starting grad school this Fall, and not only starting but taking two classes while working full-time. Yes. Plus everything going on with my dad. Plus going through infertility. Plus going crazy at work! Let's just say...there goes my life... BUT, since my work is paying for it and I can't drop out now...I just gotta make through.

So, back to the amazing husband discussion. Sung has been so supportive! He's picked up so much of the housework stuff! He does laundry and cleans and is good at keeping out of my way when I'm stressed! ;) A couple days ago, I had two homework assignments due. Sung came home from work and said he was cooking dinner and to just focus on homework! And, so here's my wonderful husband cooking dinner while I study at the kitchen table! Love you Sung!

Update?

I said I'd update post-acupuncture...soo...I will, even though it's late.

First of all, we went to the doctor to see how the injections went this time around. I FINALLY had an above average response! When we first started infertility a couple years ago, the pills we were taking would get me to have two or three good sized follicles each month. When we started going back this last February, the pills were only giving me one (maybe two) follicles. Same meds and different meds, even our first round of injections, only resulted in one or two follicles. Since we changed things up this month and increased the injection meds, we had over FIVE good sized follicles!! The nurse said they sometimes even cancel rounds if you respond too well with the meds (they didn't). Soo...on to the acupuncture...

I went to the acupuncturist a couple weeks ago. Our next step with infertility is to go to IVF, so I figured I would try almost anything before we had to make the very expensive and invasive IVF-jump. I've looked into acupuncture (heard from some that it will help with infertility), so figured it wouldn't hurt our chances, especially since we had such a good response with the meds this time. I wasn't nervous, I mean come on...these needles are like baby needles compared to the ones I've been using (plus I don't have to put them in myself)! It was actually a very relaxing procedure. They stuck about a dozen in various areas of my body (ankles, wrists, head, abdomen), then they let you lay there for 15 or 20 minutes. Flip and do a couple on my back...lay for 10 mins. Done. Not too bad. Not sure how it'll help, but hey, worth a try.

Okay, I'm updating a few days after I wrote the stuff above. I had another appointment with the acupuncturist. It was one of those days where nothing could happen on time. I had a hair appointment before the acupuncture. I got to the lady's house and she was cutting someone else's hair (who'd got the days wrong on her appt, but she went ahead and cut it). So, I had to do a quick trim (aka not get a color) in order to get to the acupuncture appt on time. I get to the acupuncture place around 11:45 and sit in the waiting room for half an hour. I purposely made the appointment at noon so I could make it there and back on my lunch break. After 40 min in the waiting room, they took me to one of the rooms and told me to relax on the table (like a foldable massage table thingie), until the dr came in. So I lay down and I'm dozing in and out. And, I'm like....what time is it...what time is it...and finally I get up and check my phone and it's ONE O'CLOCK!!! I know as soon as I decide to leave, the doctor will show up and sure enough...he comes in as soon as I've got my purse on my shoulder. I tell him I have to reschedule and he's like oh...when was your appointment? I say at noon and he's like oh I'm sorry, and that was it. So, since I'm paying for this without insurance coverage, I just don't know if I want to deal with an office where my less than hour appointment will end up taking two hours. Oh well...

In other news, looks like we will be aiming for IVF next. Since things didn't work this month (despite amazing egg results on my side), I guess we know we need more help than just meds to have a baby.

So...onto the next adventure...when our office starts their next round of IVF...

Injections Again...

Alright! I'm ready! Bring it on!

So last night we started injections again. Let's just say it went A LOT smoother than last time.

This is a little off subject, but...When I was little I wanted to be either an astronaut/pilot or a nurse. My one problem with being a nurse was always my fear of needles, but as I've gone through this injection process, I've been thinking it's not as horrible as I thought it was. (AND, it would probably be a lot easier giving someone else shots, than myself!)

Okay, back on subject. So, we're still stocking up on meds for IVF, so I'm not putting much faith in any of these injections working this time either. Don't get me wrong. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE for things to work before we got to the IVF step. But, I don't have false hope. One thing I've wanted to try (and I've heard can help sometimes) is acupuncture. I've heard of "success" stories and "no impact on the situation" stories with acupuncture. Again, I don't believe it is the absolute solution, but I've been curious to try it. So, I've made an appointment to go to an acupuncturist next week. I figured I might as well give it a try (especially with my newfound lack of fear of needles), and plus, a doctor's visit is a whole lot cheaper than IVF (if by some chance it works).

So, here's to another round of injections and I'll keep you posted on how the acupuncture appointment goes.

Oh! And here's some pictures!

My meds get shipped overnight to me and come in this big old box.

Here's what it looks like when I open it. Menopur=meds, the baggies have needs and syringes (a druggies dream!) They even give me a little sharps container for proper disposal.

One of my meds has to be refridgerated, so it comes in this insulated package under all the above meds.

So, the above medication goes in the fridge. (Yup, right next to the butter!)

Here's what it looks like when I get all my stuff out for shot time. Syringe, needle, alcohol wipes, gauze, and saline/medication vials (1 saline, 2 medication vials)

Post shot. Gets a little messy!

Why...

Why do bad things happen to good people? My parents are amazing people. They've raised/are still raising seven wonderful kids (if I do say so myself). They have amazing testimonies that unfortunately have been tested through many trials. In the last couple years, they've dealt with almost foreclosing on their house, layoff scares, a kidney stone the size of a silver dollar, actually getting laid off, unemployment for almost a year, my dad moving to NY for a job, and now my dad not doing well health-wise...

In the last couple months, he's started having muscle problems. He's started tripping while running/walking, can't grip with his hand...he got really scared when he couldn't do a sit up when just a few months earlier he was up and running around with his grandkids. He's deteriorated so quickly that it's scary. So, he's gone to the doctor. He's had a couple MRIs done, bloodwork, and muscle tests. That doctor sent him to a specialist and they said he has ALS "Lou Gehrig's Disease".

My mom's not taking the news well. I think the average life expectancy after diagnosis is 3-5 years. The thought of losing my father is scary. My heart is broken at the thought that my children might never know my father, as "grandpa". I can only slightly imagine what it was like for my mother to lose her mother at my age now. I guess I'm just scared right now. But I guess this is one of those times when you ask "Why?"... I know our Heavenly Father has a plan for us. We just have to wait and trust that God knows what's best for us. It's hard though, when people have gone through so much already, and now have to go through more...

First Post Private

So, I've added a couple posts that I had written a while ago, when I was deciding to go private. It's been pretty crazy right now, and after all our travelling, I'm feeling exhausted! Hoping to be better about keeping up with this blog (even if it's for my own record)!

Cruise to the Bahamas? Irene said NO! (And other adventures...)

So, first of all, this will be my last post before going private! I have a few stories and posts I've written, but I'm waiting to post until I'm private. So, last chance to get on my list (Or you can just email me at emlynnkim@gmail.com)!

When Sung and I were poor, broke, deprived...I mean, humble college students, newly married, and having gone on not much of a honeymoon, Sung promised me (the wants to see the world girl) that on our 5 year anniversary I could choose to go anywhere. Now, I had dreams of London or Paris, Europe or Asia...I looked up plane tickets, I looked up how to REALLY travel to Europe, but along the way my wonderful, frugal, thrifty (miserly...don't worry I love him for it!) husband has rubbed off on me. So, when I saw how a plane ticket to Europe would cost AT LEAST $800 each PLUS having to get a hotel room AND paying for meals and activities, I chickened out a little about putting out that much at once and looked for other alternatives. So, we decided to go the cruise route! Makes us all happy! Sung gets to eat as much as he wants (and there's gym access)! I get to see a very little bit of another country and we both don't have to stress about booking hotels or choosing where to eat or stressing about almost anything! So, we found a few friends and decide to make it a group trip! Despite our cruise getting detoured to Mexico, instead of the Bahamas, as was planned (thanks, HURRICANE IRENE!), we had a blast! We would totally do it again! So here's a few pics from our wonderful vacation to Key West and Mexico!

Mexican government building in Merida (Capital City of the Yucatan Peninsula).

Little bakery we found in Merida...DELICIOUS!

Sinkhole in the same area as some Mayan ruins (Dzibilchaltun). Look at how CLEAR the water is!

Temple at Dzibilchaltun.

Snorkeling in Cozumel!!

The group after our first snorkeling swim! We all survived!

Sung's making sure the ship won't leave without us!

Our rock climbing/rappelling/zip line/ snorkeling guide in Cozumel.

Jet skiing in Key West!

The post card...I mean RESORT (with the snorkeling, rock climbing, etc...) in Cozumel!

So we got back from our cruise on Saturday and Thursday morning we left for Canada for Labor Day weekend! Sung's Halmoni (grandmother) turns 80 year old this year!! So, Sung's cousin in Montreal, Toby, wanted to try to get all the grandkids (and great grandkids) together and surprise her for her birthday! She had NO IDEA that we were coming. Sung's nephew, Daniel, walked in the door first, and she said she thought it was some boy selling candy. She said she was wondering why he just walked in and then saw who it was! She was thrilled to see us all! And, I enjoyed meeting more of Sung's family up there. His Halmoni and uncle and aunt came to our wedding, but I hadn't met any of the cousins. It was a wonderful trip, and there will definitely be more visits to come (if we can't talk them into come down here!!)!

Sung's uncle and Toby gave us a good taste of Montreal. It's a beautiful city and Canada is very beautiful as well!

Old Montreal

A park on the edge of the island Montreal is on (with a view of the city).

Some art on a little drive around circle in the parking lot next to the park.

From L to R: Sung's sister (Yang), Sung, Me, Sung's brother (Doug), and Yang's son, Daniel. Yang's daughter, Sophia, was zonked in the stroller!

She didn't stay asleep too long. Toby, Yang, Daniel, and Sophia went on a little boat tour while Sung and Doug and I went exploring Old Montreal.

Group picture! (Yes, Yang is holding Sophia's sleeping head!)

On top of Mont Tremblanc, a popular ski resort a couple hours north of Montreal (as you can see...no skiers in the summer!)!

Having a snack of clementines and cheese "on top of the world"!

Birthday picture of Halmoni and the GREAT grandkids! Happy birthday!

I have SOO many more pictures, but I think this post is massive enough already! Don't forget to email me/facebook me if you want to follow my blog after this post! (And, don't get too jealous of the amazing adventures we've had!) ;)

Injections-Day 5

I'm a pro. That's right...stab me, shoot me, I can do it! Okay...so for real...I still get a little bit of a freak out shiver whenever I think about shots, giving myself a shot, looking at people getting shots etc...AND, it does take me like a half hour to actually do the shot (20 minutes of motivation: "it won't hurt, Emily. You KNOW it won't." "Don't worry. The needle is not big enough to stab any vital organs!"). BUT HEY! I CAN do it! And I am the most needle-freaked person out there!

Injections-Review Day 1, 2, 3 & 4

So, we started injections on Saturday. I've been really REALLY nervous about them. Needles are my greatest fear in life. Frogs, nope. Spiders, nope. Flying, no problem. Needles, **cringe**, freak out moment just thinking about them. Needless to say, I've had lots of time over the past couple years to get used to them. I've learned to cope (not even tolerate) having my blood drawn (thank goodness Dr. H has an amazing phlebotomist in his office). When you have your blood taken 4 times in 2 weeks, you have to learn coping methods (breathe deep, poke your hand with fingernails, and don't look, repeat DON'T LOOK!). Anytime we've had to do an at home injection (only 1 per cycle, not daily injections), Sung has given it to me and I NEVER look! So, with this next step in our journey being injections (at least a week of daily shots), I decided my goal was to give it to myself. Might as well take this opportunity to overcome a phobia! So, here's a review of my progress for days 1, 2, & 3 of injection giving:

Day 1: I held the needle and tried and tried, but I couldn't put it into my skin (I guess it means I'm not naturally masochistic!)...So, Sung poked me, but I watched (which I NEVER do)...And, I pushed the plunger (the painful part). So good job!

Day 2: We were at a friends house for dinner and I haven't really told anyone about us doing this, and I was nervous about making sure I gave the shot in time...SO, I still couldn't do it by myself! BUT, Sung held my hand and poked me (the poking part doesn't actually hurt that bad) while I held the needle and again I pushed the plunger (Youch!).

Day 3: I DID IT!!!!!! We were at a friends house again, and let them know what was going (since it was just Sung and I and the two of them). So, after much coaching and encouragement (and a timer from Sung--he tried to give me only 2 minutes...let's just say it took more like 9 min), I finally did it! And it wasn't too bad. And, I felt so liberated to know that I could do it myself!

Day 4: I'm a pro! Okay...not quite...but I can now give myself a shot! I tried it in my thigh this time instead of my abdomen. I felt like the skin was a little tighter so it scared me a little to poke it. But, it was fairly easy and the injecting the medication part didn't seem to hurt as bad. So, I might have found a new spot to shoot myself. ;)

I've been a little worried about the prospect of doing more shots. If we were to get into more intensive procedures (ie IVF), we might have to do intra-muscular shots at home, and that TOTALLY freaks me out! Instead of a little half inch needle, the IM needles are like and inch and a half!!! AHH! I can't do it! ...Yes I can...breathe...Yes I can...If I have to, I will...breathe...

Okay, so here's to big success this week! I'm still freaked out by needles/shots, but I can give myself a baby one!

Injections to Begin Shortly

So, I got my wonderful package of injections today! YAY! After the pain of having to get my prescription and order my meds with my usual, wonderful, extremely knowledgeable and dependable nurse on vacation, it was great to finally get my the meds in on time. Since my insurance doesn't cover injection medications if we do ANY type of infertility procedure (even IUI), we're doing a couple cycles without any procedures and "stocking up" on the meds for the future. (If the insurance is going to work me over, I'll work the insurance right back!) I've determined that my goal in doing these couple of "small scale" injection cycles is to get the courage to give myself the shots. So far, anytime we've had to do an at home shot, Sung has given it to me. BUT, I'm determined to be able to at least do the sub-cutaneous shots myself (after all, with IVF there is a VERY good chance I'll have to, if Sung isn't around). So, tonight we start the shots. I think I'll go ahead and try to do it tonight. Here's to hoping for success on my part! YIKES!

That Word You Never Thought You'd Hear...

Infertility. That's right...(I originally decided to go private to tell my story, but being quite the blog stalker myself, I decided I really didn't know who needed to hear my story to get through their own.) Being in a religion where families are the central focus of everything, it's a hard word to hear and a hard condition to accept. But, we have and we're dealing. A little history:

We've been trying for a few years now to start a family. We started infertility a couple years ago. We don't know what's happening. So we're categorized in the "unknown problem" group of infertility. Here's a little about our/my medication history for those curious infertiles out there, we've been through 5 rounds of Clomid (oh, the hot flashes!), then 3 cycles of Femara (no IUIs with either). Then, I got my current "big girl" job and we took a break from infertility treatments for a year (but to no avail in the baby department). We started back earlier this year and so far we've done two more rounds of Femara (2nd one with IUI), switched and did 2 rounds of Tamoxifen (both with IUI), and now we're about to start a round of injections (Menopur).

It's been a rough road. Good days, bad days, days that I can tackle the world, days that I want to crawl in a hole, days that I've had to call a friend on emergency to give me a shot on my lunch break (I like to call it a shot and run!), but overall I'm still determined. We've been so blessed in our life that we can't complain about much else. So, it helps to know that we've accepted this as a part of our life and know this is our journey that we need to go through. So, I've decided to use this forum as an infertility journal for now. I want a place I can vent about meds or fears or exciting results or whatever! Hopefully it will be a VERY short story and I won't have to write about it for long. But, if not...that's life...gotta make lemonade!

Going Private

So, I know I have avoided blogging recently. It's not that there isn't much going on. It's just that I haven't wanted to publicly announce everything in my life. BUT, I need an outlet! I need a place to document and journalize our journey right now. So, I'm going private so that I can freely vent my feelings and tell our story to those who truly care. If you would like to follow our journey we're going on right now, please just comment with your email address or Facebook or email me it! I plan on making this officially private around the beginning of September.

25 and Counting!

Sunday was my 25th birthday! ! I was going to do some big to-do post with 25 things about me, but we ALL know THAT wasn't going to happen! So I'll just tell a little about my birthday weekend! I aimed for a nice, relaxing weekend at home with Sung. I'm a total homebody, so I didn't want to go out or have a bunch of people over. I just wanted a quiet weekend reading, watching some Battlestar Gallactica (Yes...I'm a nerd. Thanks a lot Matt), and some ice cold IBC rootbeer (which I got!). Sung and I did actually go to the movies on Friday and watched Hanna...pretty good movie...not exactly what I expected. My mom and sisters came over Saturday and helped clean my house (best birthday present EVER) and brought over birthday cookies and Tangled to watch (hadn't seen it...SO CUTE)! On Sunday, Sung made me breakfast in bed, I brought some of the cookies to my Primary girls (they were so sweet and sang "Happy Birthday" and everything!). Sung cooked dinner also, and then we had some friends over for ice cream cake (thanks Doug!). So...No stressful decisions had to be made...Delicious food and drink (mmm...IBC...)! Overall birthday success!

What did YOU do on Valentine's Day??

Sung brought home Chinese food, chocolates (a very sweet card), and we had a night in watching tv together (without Sung studying)!

(This is my excuse of an update! Please forgive!)