Realistic, Not Optimistic

Going through this process has got me thinking. When we made the decision to go to IVF, I was very optimistic. I figured our solution would soon be realized. I pictured myself as being positive and everything would go perfectly.

I changed that view though. I said earlier that I've participated on a discussion board with other ladies all going through IVF in January. (What a support its been to be able to ask questions and reaffirm feelings about this difficult, stressful process!) But, I've seen different outcomes with each woman on there. (I'm scheduled for a late Jan egg retrieval/transfer, but a lot of ladies have already gone through their's.) We've had ladies make it to egg retrieval and then not be able to transfer any embryos or have to freeze them for later. We've had a lady have 40 eggs retrieved and 20 of those fertilized (and hopefully all extra are healthy enough to be frozen)! We've had ladies retrieve 10 eggs, but only 1 embryo survives for transfer. So many different outcomes. So, its changed my perspective.  I'm hoping for the best but preparing for whatever might happen. I'm trying to be realistic, and trusting in Someone who knows my plan better than myself. :)

Blood-work Visit #1

Had my first bloodwork appt this am. Estrogen level was at around 49. (Baseline appt, estrogen was at 23). Things are progressing! Grow follies, grow!

Yup. I was spoiled.

So, we've brought out the big guns now! Stimming (as we call taking the stimulation drugs in the infertile world) has begun!! With this new protocol, the shots are a bit more difficult than the injections I did last fall. I have to mix 3 different drugs together, and two of the drugs I need half vial doses which causes me to have to do all kinds of math and manipulation while mixing... 1 cc of saline in Bravelle vial, 1 cc in Menopur vial. Take 1/2 vial and put it into another vial. Repeat with other med. Refridgerate remaining two half-vials for tomorrow. Mix all other vials together. Top it off with 5 units of Lupron and there's my medication cocktail!

Add to that shot, one baby aspirin, 1 prenatal vitamin, and an antibiotic three times a day and I'm a walking pharmacy!

But, like the title said...I've been totally spoiled. Lupron shots were easy...these new ones suck...the needle is about the same size, but the amount of liquid being injected it alot greater. But, 2 shots down and no bruises! I'll take that!

I have an appt monday for bloodwork and ultrasound, so here's to hoping for good hormone levels and beautiful growing follicles!

(oh and I was going to not publish in "real time" --or as it happens, because I'm a little paranoid about people asking about what's going on and knowing my "schedule", but I'm sure there aren't many of you out there, so I'll go ahead and keep the few out there "in the know")

January Schmmamuary...

I've been posting in this IVF support group/discussion board and I feel like I need a recall on blogger in order to remember my last posts! Hmmm...maybe that means it's been too long since I posted! So, if any of this is repetitive...forgive me!

So...January has been a little bit of a hellish month for me (forgive my language, but it's the only way to describe it). I was really trying to get healthy because we knew we were going to do the IVF in Jan. Well...who would have thought trying to get healthy would make me sick!! grr...

I was sick with a sinus bug from before Thanksgiving until Christmas. I went to the dr at the beginnning of Dec and got an antibiotic hoping to "wipe it out fast" and get on to being healthy.

So, I start feeling better around Christmas finally, and then right after the New year's I start having GI issues. Nothing debilitating, but annoying and a little concerning. At first, I think I just messed up my eating schedule and habits over the holidays and that's it. SO, I try eating better and working out. GI issues don't go away...I wait about a week and a half. I had to go to Boston for work and visited my sister while I was there. I was to the point where it would hurt a few hours after eating, so I was already not enjoying eating food. Well, my sister talked me into making an appt with my GI dr to get things figured out (especially before we started all the "hardcore" IVF stuff). The GI dr just happen to have a cancellation thurs afternoon (the afternoon after I flew back to HSV--he's usually booked AT LEAST a month in advance). So, I go in and he asks some questions. It's been a couple years since I've seen him, so he says let's schedule a colonoscopy just in case test results are inconclusive...AND he wants to do...a stool sample (UGH!!) to see what's going on (whether it's bacterial).

Let me just say...I NEVER want to have to do that again. So, I think "yuck" and start freaking out, because the dr also recommended postponing IVF depending on results from the sample... I think "nope, not postponing unless I HAVE to". So I go home with my "at home kit" and dread the night away. Well I ended up also spending the night waking up doubled over in pain every 2 hours! I was MISERABLE! I wake up and go to work, call the dr since it's a new symptom, call the IVF clinic with an update, wait to hear the news from the test results, and still curl up every less than 2 hours in pain (while at work might I add).

GI nurse FINALLY calls late in the afternoon and says they didn't get the results and won't until Monday, because I dropped the sample off at one location and the dang currier didn't pick it up in time to get it processed that day!! But, the dr thinks it might be bacterial, so he calls in a prescription for antibiotics and one for the pain I'm in.

(Oh and did I mention that I'm already giving myself daily shots along the way...that was fun traveling with shots!) ;)

Well, I think Friday night might have been the worst night of my life (with Thursday as a close second, of course). I felt like I had NO control over my body. I felt absolutely horrible. But, after a nice blessing from DH and a friend, I did get some sleep and was able to rest and "recover" over the weekend. Monday was an off work day, so I got to rest for free that day too! And, the tests came back that I had Clostridium Difficle (or C. diff. in medical lingo). Sung was SHOCKED when he heard. (They have to suit up in masks and body suits at the hospital for any patients with it...) I was just glad that I was on the right meds and could still go through IVF! Dr said it's caused by taking antibiotics, so the antibiotics in December probably resulted in the infection. I guess your intestinal bacteria (both good and bad) gets wiped out by the antibiotics and the C. diff. just grows and thrives in there and causes all the problems...

So long story short, bad month caused by last bad month, but good because we're still on for IVF! (I'll catch up on the IVF related posts soon!)

Time to begin

So, I started shots yesterday! Woot! The dr changed our protocol again. Now I'm on the Lupron leuprolide (sp??) protocol... What it means is instead of waiting until Aunt Flo comes (we call that our baseline appt) to start shots, I have to start them a couple weeks earlier. So, I'm on Lupron (a drug that suppresses your ovaries and makes it so all the eggs grow around the same rate/stay the same size). Let me tell you...it's a BABY shot! My shots before were about 1 cc of fluid. These lupron shots are like a FRACTION of a cc! So nice...so spoiled...

So, here's to letting the process begin!

Need to Get the Crafty Bug Back!

For the past 6 months or so, I have absolutely NOT been feeling crafty. AT ALL. I have even given away bought cards (ouch...that hurts), because I have not felt like making an even simple birthday or thank you card. So...I decided last weekend that I'd put together my unopened stamp sets I've bought and try to get crafty this year! I periodically follow a couple stamping blogs, and happened to get a little inspired for the Hand Stamped Sentiments #99 challenge.

So, here's what I made.

(Needed a birthday card for my little sis!)

All's Quiet on the Infertile Front

No big news right now. Still on birth control. Just a couple more weeks left... I still haven't got my schedule for injections, but I do know I'm on the "antagonist" protocol. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I know what meds I will (and will not) be taking. My sister's friend has VERY generously donated some leftover meds from her last IVF cycle (which was a success!) and I also had some meds leftover from our last couple injection rounds...SO...I actually only have to spend about $400 more on meds for our cycle!!!! Our insurance doesn't cover any meds if we go through any infertility procedure. The out-of-pocket cost of the meds I'll be using is probably around $3,000-4,000! But again, thanks to generous donations and leftover meds, I have a very minimal amount I have to pay!

I'm getting a little nervous about the whole process. It's kind of hitting me that if this IVF cycle works, then this time next year, our life will be completely different. It's kind of exciting and kind of scary! I'm also getting a little nervous about the whole process of IVF. I know the meds make you feel pretty bloated and sore and the egg retrieval process is pretty much an outpatient surgical procedure. That's a little scary in and of itself, but then factoring in the chance that even going through all this, the whole process might not even succeed... It's a little stressful... Not sure what we'll do if it doesn't work... BUT, I gotta think "happy thoughts" and stay positive. So that was my moment of worry, now on to positivity!

I'll update again when things get a little more exciting!

In everyday news, I have a new primary class next year. This past year I was teaching the 9 turning 10 year olds. I had a very fun class of all girls! This new year, I get to be with the sunbeams! I LOVE teaching the junior primary classes. Though I really did enjoy teaching more of the scripture related lessons. So, here's to a new year (and hopefully, some little kid vibes can come my way)!!

Moving On...

It's been a rough last few weeks. My dad passed a ay early Saturday morning, November 12th. It was only about a month and a half after his diagnosis of ALS. I went over to my mom's on Wednesday. She wanted me to sit with dad on Thursday while she sewed my niece's blessing outfit. We watched the presidential debates that night together, and luckily I took a couple pictures of him and I (probably the last one's of him alive). Unfortunately, the next morning was the beginning of the end. I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to spend those last couple days with him. There were many special moments I had with him in his last few weeks. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful father as an example. I know he has begun his new mission. And, I'm sure he's pulling whatever strings he can to help us in our journey to start a family.

Speaking of...we're beginning the early steps leading up to in vitro fertilization. First step, start birth control (Ironic no?). It's to "quiet down" the system. Reset it. Then on Monday, I have a saline infusion. They just insert some saline into my uterus, check for polyps or other abnormalities in the lining, and then do a "mock" transfer. After that, I wait to find out my "schedule" for injections, doctor appointments, and egg retrieval/transfer information. It's funny how trying to start a new life can help get you through the loss of another.

In memory of my dad...

Love :)

Have I bragged on my AMAZING husband lately?? I didn't think so. I definitely don't give him enough credit!

I made the mistake of starting grad school this Fall, and not only starting but taking two classes while working full-time. Yes. Plus everything going on with my dad. Plus going through infertility. Plus going crazy at work! Let's just say...there goes my life... BUT, since my work is paying for it and I can't drop out now...I just gotta make through.

So, back to the amazing husband discussion. Sung has been so supportive! He's picked up so much of the housework stuff! He does laundry and cleans and is good at keeping out of my way when I'm stressed! ;) A couple days ago, I had two homework assignments due. Sung came home from work and said he was cooking dinner and to just focus on homework! And, so here's my wonderful husband cooking dinner while I study at the kitchen table! Love you Sung!

Update?

I said I'd update post-acupuncture...soo...I will, even though it's late.

First of all, we went to the doctor to see how the injections went this time around. I FINALLY had an above average response! When we first started infertility a couple years ago, the pills we were taking would get me to have two or three good sized follicles each month. When we started going back this last February, the pills were only giving me one (maybe two) follicles. Same meds and different meds, even our first round of injections, only resulted in one or two follicles. Since we changed things up this month and increased the injection meds, we had over FIVE good sized follicles!! The nurse said they sometimes even cancel rounds if you respond too well with the meds (they didn't). Soo...on to the acupuncture...

I went to the acupuncturist a couple weeks ago. Our next step with infertility is to go to IVF, so I figured I would try almost anything before we had to make the very expensive and invasive IVF-jump. I've looked into acupuncture (heard from some that it will help with infertility), so figured it wouldn't hurt our chances, especially since we had such a good response with the meds this time. I wasn't nervous, I mean come on...these needles are like baby needles compared to the ones I've been using (plus I don't have to put them in myself)! It was actually a very relaxing procedure. They stuck about a dozen in various areas of my body (ankles, wrists, head, abdomen), then they let you lay there for 15 or 20 minutes. Flip and do a couple on my back...lay for 10 mins. Done. Not too bad. Not sure how it'll help, but hey, worth a try.

Okay, I'm updating a few days after I wrote the stuff above. I had another appointment with the acupuncturist. It was one of those days where nothing could happen on time. I had a hair appointment before the acupuncture. I got to the lady's house and she was cutting someone else's hair (who'd got the days wrong on her appt, but she went ahead and cut it). So, I had to do a quick trim (aka not get a color) in order to get to the acupuncture appt on time. I get to the acupuncture place around 11:45 and sit in the waiting room for half an hour. I purposely made the appointment at noon so I could make it there and back on my lunch break. After 40 min in the waiting room, they took me to one of the rooms and told me to relax on the table (like a foldable massage table thingie), until the dr came in. So I lay down and I'm dozing in and out. And, I'm like....what time is it...what time is it...and finally I get up and check my phone and it's ONE O'CLOCK!!! I know as soon as I decide to leave, the doctor will show up and sure enough...he comes in as soon as I've got my purse on my shoulder. I tell him I have to reschedule and he's like oh...when was your appointment? I say at noon and he's like oh I'm sorry, and that was it. So, since I'm paying for this without insurance coverage, I just don't know if I want to deal with an office where my less than hour appointment will end up taking two hours. Oh well...

In other news, looks like we will be aiming for IVF next. Since things didn't work this month (despite amazing egg results on my side), I guess we know we need more help than just meds to have a baby.

So...onto the next adventure...when our office starts their next round of IVF...